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Rear Ending into Submission


You get asked certain hard to answer questions a lot if you are Tamil. Like why are your film actresses [insert favorite euphemism for fat here]? A matter of preference, you think? Good guess, but you are dead wrong. The real answer is a ruthless clan of [insert second favorite euphemism for fat here] actresses, operating in and around Madras. Don't believe me? Read on.

Take the case of Rahasya, a svelte, slim, pretty (ok, ok, I'll take that back) vamp. She appeared first in an item number in Kamalhassan's remake of Munna Bhai MBBS, and has fast become the go-to girl for one-song numbers in Tamil. Popular enough, that the cabal started taking note. So, when she went to a bar in the city to chill out and practice a dance move or two, she had a surprise in store.

As she is dancing, she feels something strike her from behind. Turning around, she sees the culprit: the corpulent behind of Kiran, rumored to be pretty high up in the hierarchy of the clan. Probably an accident she assumes, and continues dancing. Bad assumption. Soon, strike two. With a lot more intensity, causing her to almost fall. “What the …”, she turns around and asks in whatever language she speaks. Bad move again. You never talk back to a cabalite.

Kiran calls for reinforcements. Enter Sangavi. In and out of the cabal, but never so out to make the cabal angry. Together they do their thing to Rahasya: mostly standard cabal operating procedure, just falling on the victim from different angles. It can be pretty effective: When you have two 300lb objects falling on you from different directions simultaneously, it tends to hurt.

Last I heard, Rahasya is now on a diet consisting exclusively of things rich in saturated fat (no trans fat though: that is bad). “Maybe,” she was heard crowing, “I will become a cabalite one day.” Sure.

PS: What about Simran, you ask? Well asked wise reader. Answer: This.

PPS: Does this sound like a stupid fantasy of a deluded engineer? Again, good thinking. But I have a link to prove this happened. And they are far more descriptive than I am. Although, they have a question mark at the end of the page title, which makes you wonder if they are speculating …, but hey, no one's imagination is that good. Kiran, Sangavi and fought with Ragasya?