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No Comebacks


Prelude: Young man enters movies fresh out of film school, makes a few movies that span the entire emotional spectrum between mushy and corny. Most of them turn out to be big hits, women cry, all the big stars vie to act under his baton, he gets called a top director, etc. Suddenly, his luck runs out. Or mush went out of fashion. A few movies flop, he has a fall out with the music director who helped his movies immensely, and he disappears from movies, making only occasional appearances as a passable lyricist.

Now the young man is no longer so young, and he wants to make a comeback.

“How do you make a comeback?”, he asks his muse. Perhaps 'twas a friend he asked, but that's besides the point. Not that there's a point to all of this, but thats even more besides the point.

“Easy. Make a youth movie na!”

“Youth movie?”

“Haven't you seen those? Easy to make… Get a young hero. Get a young heroine. No, wait, get two, just to make sure. Give them very little by way of clothes. Let them all prance around a little bit. Get a dark looking dude, and make him shout out his dialogues loudly. Call him the comedian, it seems to work well.”

“Thats it?… what about a villain? Where do I set the movie? What's the premise?”

“Dude, you are so not in sync. Premise? Ha-Ha-Ha. ”

“No premise? I don't get it.”

“Ok, have one if you must. Set it wherever you want to. Village, city, whatever. Get a villian if you must. But remember this: Not much clothes on the girls! You hear that? ”


“I can't stress this enough, like for instance, even if the girls have to cry, make sure the camera pans to their cleavage. Or maybe their waists. Ok?”

“How would people know she is crying if the camera is on her cleavage?”

“Duuuude, don't keep interrupting me. Show her eyes for a second, and pan down, ok. Maybe let her heave her bosom a little bit when she cries, people seem to like that. You have to improvise.”

“I think I get the idea. Let me work on it.”

Lakshmi Rai, wearing her crying costume, but not really crying

Once young filmmaker works on it alright. He gets the half brother of a popular hero to star in the movie. (Improvisation, you see!) And fills the movie with innuendos about how this guy looks like that one. Even fits in a scene (or seven) with the comedian getting him and his half-brother mixed up, and shouting out his confusion.

The other heroine, kinda overdressedHe gets the recommended two heroines. Even goes for “foreign song shooting.” Like going to Malaysia and setting a song inside a car dealership, who could've thought of it. He fills the movie with innovations, like having an ant go inside the heroine's blouse and the guy taking it out, having the guy do CPR on the girl after saving her from drowning inside a shallow river. Overall, he feels pretty good about himself.

Just to make sure though, he goes to an astrologer and asks him to make sure his stars are in the right order.


“Is there a problem?”

“Yeah, your name has issues. R. V. Udhayakumar? It's like an open invitation to all the bad vibes that are out there”


“Don't worry, … an extra A at the start of your name will fix it.”

“Audhayakumar? That sounds a little funny.”

“Hmm.. ok, A.R.V Udhayakumar then. And hey, make sure you use a smaller font for the extra A.”

Leaves him feeling even better. And he names the movie “Karka Kasadara,” – chaste Tamil – sure to please the anti-English lobby in Tamil Nadu.

Movie gets released, and movie sucks. So movie bombs. Shaken, stirred and angry, he looks for his muse, wanting to do bad things to it. But then, the muse had deserted him a long time ago.

A few weeks later, a couple of doofuses walk past a rundown movie theater that's screening the movie. “Loong time since we saw a Tamil movie in a theater,” one of them opines. The other agrees and suggests that they go in. A few days later, one of the doofuses writes a clever review of the movie for his blog. It was not a total waste of time, you see.