When Crummy, Cruddy, Cheesy and Crappy Compete

The last month has seen several truly remarkable things happen to this blog: We turned into a group blog with two real contributors, and several imaginary ones. Our fan following among pharmaceutical companies seems to have increased, and like all delirious new fans, they can't seem to stop writing to us. (We might trash your letters, ladies, but your affection means a lot to us.)

We watched four horrid Tamil movies. While that in itself is not remarkable, what is remarkable is that we have refrained from reviewing any of them. Even this post is not a review per se. It is about celebrating the movies in question and rewarding them for the things they did.

And so, without further ado, Ladies, Pharmaceutical Industry Representatives and other Gentlemen, here we go.

The Freakist Bird Flu-ke Award:

Kamna Jethmalani, the lead girl in Idhaya Thirudan wants to send an anonymous email to her mom. She types up the email – whose contents are the proud recipients of another award – but she can't figure out how to sign the email.

Unable to pick a random name, she picks up a pigeon hovering nearby and lays it gently on top of the keyboard. The pigeon walks back, then forth. Then forth again, and back once more. And then flies away, to leave the half dressed girl staring at the screen.

The pigeon had just keyed in T. Mahesh, which happens to be the name of.. you guessed it, the hero of the movie. What an incredibly clever way to move a story forward. Anyone out there who still thinks our moviemakers are unimaginative?

The Best Case Against Intelligent Design Award:

A no brainer here. Kamna Jethmalani, the lead girl in Idhaya Thirudan wants to piss her mom off. She thinks for an instant about her modul operandi, and then promptly takes her clothes off – at least all the clothes the censors would let her take off. She then takes lewd pictures of herself using a mobile phone, attaches the pictures to an email, uses a pigeon to sign the email and hits send.

Honorary mention: The two people who paid hard earned ringgits to go watch Kalvanin Kadhali.

The Inspired Acting Award:

Madhavan, long haired lead man in Thambi puts in an inspired performance as the (translated) Che Guevera quoting leftist rebel who beats people up to teach them the value of non violence.

Unfortunately, he chooses the wrong person to draw inspiration from – Jyothika in Chandramukhi. He rolls his eyes and shakes his head and thrusts his face and yells his dialogues and dances like a guy. Thankfully, there was no Telugu song playing in the background or we wouldn't have known the difference.

The “Gratuitous Mention of Better Half in a Very Cool Context” Award:

To Renuka Menon, village belle in Kalaba Kadhalan, for going to an ice cream parlor and asking for Lavanya ice cream. Turns out she meant Vanilla, but couldn't remember the right name because she happened to be a village belle. But still.

The Tom Cruise Award for Dumb Psychatrists:

To the Psychiatrist lady in Kalaba Kadhalan. The plot revolves around a girl falling for her sister's husband. The husband tries his best to shoo her away, but she keeps singing steamy songs with him in her dreams. And finally, the exasperated husband goes seeks help from the psychiatrist. Her suggestion?

“Such girls like forceful men, so go talk to the moron who used to harass her in public in her native village. From what you say, I get the feeling he is madly in love with her. Ask him to come woo her. And ask him to be forceful. That will fix her up good.”

The moron arrives, and then goes on to rape the girl.

The Blank Noise Awards for Bringing Harrassment Out Into the Open:

S.J. Surya, for trying to look down an unsuspecting Nayanthara's dress in Kalvanin Kadhali.

S.J.Surya, for going up to a guy who had just pinched his unsuspecting girlfriend in public(the hapless Nayanthara again) and advising him to use his “mouth” instead. A pregnant pause later, he clarifies that he meant for the guy to talk his way into a woman's heart. Yeah right. To paraphrase Seinfeld (thanks Manoj), we are offended by how lame the joke was.

The motley crew of actors in Kalaba Kadhalan, who ask a raped girl to “stop being dumb” and “not act like a stuck up bitch” and marry the guy who raped her. Extra special mention of the girl's mom, who strikes the girl really hard and then cries for a long time, probably because her hands hurt.

Honorary Award for the Sudden Use of Shudh Tamil to Startle Someone:

To hep, modern Pooja, long haired Madhavan's girl in Thambi.

She wins an award of some sort in the movie (not from a blog) and a friend congratulates her:

“Congratulations!”

Pooja startles the poor girl with her response: A perfectly articulated “Nandri.” The friend's expression was priceless.

One would do well to remember that the movie was directed by a dude called Seeman, who is a Tamil lover.

Another Honorary Award for the Consistent Use of Crude Tamil to Startle Everyone:

To Arya, Kalaba Kadhalan's lead man, suave software engineer, for switching over to a dreadful variation of Madras Bashai whenever he gets excited.

To Arya, Kalaba Kadhalan's lead man, for remaining excited throughout the movie.

The “I will give it to myself if you don't” award:

To Jayam Ravi, pigeonpicked boyfriend of Kamna in Idhaya Thirudan. For stealing a trophy meant for the winners of a shooting contest, and then taking the trouble to attach the trophy – all two feet of it – to his motorcycle and not taking it off till the very end of the movie.

The Most Ostentatious Display of Bibliophilia Award:

To Manivannan in Thambi. For walking around with a collection of translated leftie literature in a dirty old bag. The books will later save his life.

The (Faithfully Following a Fad) or (Boldly Inventing a Trend) Award:

To Igore, director of Kalaba Kadhalan for giving himself a Russian name, and then adding an e to the end in a nod to numerology. We believe this was inspired by Myshkin, director of Chithiram Pesudhadi who named himself after a Russian literary character.

Unless Igore arrived at his name by removing an N from Ignore, in which case, he gets the Boldly Inventing a Trend award. When you watch the next movie directed by Mron or Idot, you will know who their inspiration was.

The Scene With the Most Educational Value Award:

Idhaya Thirudan (which would've swept the awards if not for a little category tweaking we did) takes this one by a mile.

So a guy and a girl find themselves locked in a themepark called Snow World. True to its name, the theme park starts blowing in a lot of cold air to keep the snow from melting. It gets colder and colder. The girl runs to the guy, hugs him real tight. Cut to song.

The next day, the girl tells the guy that her hugging him was purely to take advantage of the principles of Heat Transfer as stated in reference books on Thermodynamics. Yes, that is exactly what she said.

We can go on in this vein, but we are bored. Not as bored as we were when we watched three of these movies over a single weekend, but that's a mark that will likely not be beat any time soon.